After loss finding my life


This isn’t the most flattering photo of Mark yet I love it because it is so very Mark.  He WOULD be the one to climb up on a  tower after hiking up a steep slope. Taken near Woodstock 16 plus years ago on a crisp fall day.

I have spent the past year trying to find my life. Married to Mark for 26 years and living with him for close to 30, I can tell you as he would say, “It ain’t easy.”  Before he left this earth he made me promise to “enjoy your life, be happy,” I remember looking in his gaunt face, his golden brown eyes, me choking back the tears, sniffling and pawing at him still strong but very skinny arms begging for the impossible. A miracle. We had all our miracles. Time was up. Game over.  No more hikes in the woods, walks on the beach, getting lost on purpose, no more skating, no more dancing. Oh the dancing . We danced everywhere from the Rainbow Room to our Living room.

And right then as I sat there holding his hand clinging to him,  a song came on my iPhone,  via Pandora, Maroon 5-“Moves Like Jagger”.

Something miraculous happened, though not surprising. Mark rose-waving off any offer of assistance and looked me in the eyes, smiled and whispered in my ear, ” Last dance?”  We danced one more Hustle, one more Lindy, one more booty shaking dance- just one more time.

Mark danced with gusto with all the energy he could muster.  He was  weak, he was dying. But Mark was a powerhouse.  One of his many nicknames was Mr. Mighty. And in that moment he was indeed Mr. Mighty.  Mark  wasn’t one to pass up a chance to climb a tower, dance a dance, learn a new skating move or give up even when the time had come to let go.

Mark savored life. I miss how when we were together we would take an ordinary day and make it special. Sometimes I step, sometimes I stumble but each day I take him with me and find the joy and count my blessings for all that he gave me.

Stay tuned hon.